Bed Bugs!

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I’m pretty sure that I live in the 21st century. I have all the modern conveniences of the space age life. I have a cell phone that looks like something on Star Trek. I have high speed internet where I post and you get to read my wonderfully imaginative blog, (although not updated as often as I would like). I have a computer that can do millions of calculations in seconds. I have a GPS device that tells me how slow or fast I am running, most of the time how slow. I rarely get sick due to modern medical breakthroughs like antibiotics and vaccines that have rid our nation of polio, small pox and other maladies that used to kill by the thousands. We have herbicides and pesticides that keep mice, roaches and ants away. But in this modern, high tech, high speed, low drag world I have found a pestilence that refuses to bow to man’s best attempts at Utopia. It’s the most evil of all insects, preying and feeding on us like vampires….the dreaded bed bug! I used to say it…”good night, sleep tight and don’t let the bed bugs bite!” Well whoever made up that stupid jingle knows nothing of the plague of bed bugs. That’s right, I’m infested. Its not a question of letting them bite, they do that without me letting them at all! Its like I brought a sleeping mat from some hut that I slept in while touring Nepal. My luxury apartment is now the home for these little blood sucking varmints. Even as I speak the guys from my furniture rental place are removing all my bedroom furniture. Brittainy my buddy in the front office of Polo commons and my wife's new hero has been outstanding in this war of attrition. The exterminator has been here twice and set off nuclear explosions of bug juice, to the point I started feeling bad from it. But they keep coming back. Oh if I had soldiers with this kind of intestinal fortitude! But, I have declared unconditional war on this vermin. Vermin….what a great word! According to Encarta vermin is an offensive term for a person or group (or group of bugs) considered to be extremely unpleasant or undesirable. Yes, this is the thoughts I have of bed bugs, extremely unpleasant, undesirable. Yet my rage at them cannot be fully expressed in words. Also now it causes me to constantly check myself every time one of my arm hairs feels anything remotely weird. But it is war. I have researched online and developed a plan through the military decision making process or the MDMP. We will repel the invaders, victory is at hand! If we fail in this mission…I’ll move out of my apartment and sleep in the woods!

Comments

Anonymous said…
HAHAHAHAHA,

You know, after you told us about this last night I had no idea there was such a thing as bed bugs. I thought they were just a fable or something we always told our kids about. Well, I feel sorry for you. I guess I can't feel so bad about the ant attacks I have on me and my gear when we go to the field......I mean at least it only happens to me in the field, not my house :)
9:01 PM
Anonymous said…
You must exterminate this vermin from the earth until they are no longer a threat to you. You must hunt them down and look for their leaders, their big fish...they are tasty big fishes. I hear if you spin around in circles the centrifical force will throw all of the beg bugs off of you.
3:28 PM
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